"You need to examine your priorities" my mom says.
Hell if I know what to think about that. She thinks I am throwing my riding away, my passion, my dreams, my happiness-all of it. I am not, I am just conflicted. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. He is truly wonderful but my mom makes me question if I am giving up my own personal dreams for a fairly new found relationship. I want to be an equestrian, I want to succeed and be the best that I can be. After the conversation with my mom and then with John I am so upset. My stomach is in knots and I have absolutely no energy. How am I supposed to know if I am throwing my riding dreams away for my relationship with John? Yes my current stress is not solely from this situation. I have been stressed about too many classes, riding team, all while balancing my relationship with my family, including my mother's poor health. I have always and continue to aspire to be great. Isn't that enough? What if I don’t achieve my goals? What if I do end up alone and unhappy because I push everyone in my life away as I pursue personal excellence? Will it have been worth it? These are the all too silly questions that race through my mind at times like this. But yet at the same time I have never been one to settle. I want more for my life, yet, all along I want to enjoy the ride. And though I have made this clear to John, he does not realize that with the intensive relationship we have right now-it is impossible to achieve more.
John makes me so happy. When I am with him the rest of the world melts away. But in the end is that enough? I have never been a dependent person and have emphasized independence. Also am I cutting out life experiences that I will never get back? How to balance it all....I ponder.
Ah, those are all such a hard questions that everyone deals with every now and then... The thing is more you think about it worse is it going to be. You should just let it go! Because you can balance it all. Do never push away things that make you happy!
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel! I too am in a relationship that is long distance and I ponder those questions (besides the equestrian aspect ) on a sometimes daily basis. It is hard to feel torn between a relationship and also achieving the things you want most-it is hard to tell which one you will look back on have doubts about so there is no point in worrying now! (I say this as someone who is a first class worrier, but in the end it will all fall into place :-) ) !
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